Authors: Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, Kaley Warner Klemp

Topics: Habits, Business, Personal Development

All information is attributed to the authors. Except in the case where we may have misunderstood a concept and summarized incorrectly. These notes are only for reference and we always suggest reading from the original source.

Contents

PART I INTRODUCTION

PREFACE

TWO LIVES

LEADING FROM ABOVE THE LINE

PART II THE 15 COMMITMENTS

COMMITMENT 1 > Taking Radical Responsibility

COMMITMENT 2 > Learning Through Curiosity

COMMITMENT 3 > Feeling All Feelings

COMMITMENT 4 > Speaking Candidly

COMMITMENT 5 > Eliminating Gossip

COMMITMENT 6 > Practicing Integrity

COMMITMENT 7 > Generating Appreciation

COMMITMENT 8 > Excelling in Your Zone of Genius

COMMITMENT 9 > Living a Life of Play and Rest

COMMITMENT 10 > Exploring the Opposite

COMMITMENT 11 > Sourcing Approval, Control and Security

COMMITMENT 12 > Having Enough of Everything

COMMITMENT 13 > Experiencing the World as an Ally

COMMITMENT 14 > Creating Win for All Solutions

COMMITMENT 15 > Being the Resolution

PART III SHIFTING TO CONSCIOUS LEADERSHIP

THE CHANGE FORMULA

PART I INTRODUCTION

PREFACE

The current leadership models don’t seem to work because they are unsustainable on a personal, organizational, and planetary level.

Personal Level

Many business leaders are stressed, reliant on drugs, and have broken relationships.

Organizational Level

Stressed-out leaders tend to produce businesses that experience high-turnover, low employee engagement, steep healthcare costs, and dysfunctional teams. Motivating employees with fear and extrinsic rewards.

Intrinsic rewards, play, and even love produce and attract more talented employees. An excellent work culture.

Planetary Level

Most models are built on scarcity and win/lose competition. Fear and the belief that there aren’t enough resources, which fosters belief that they will never be enough either. A zero-sum game. Because we believe there isn’t enough for us, we harm the planet and each other to save ourselves.

TWO LIVES

Intense type-A fast charger example:

• Early rise, alarm set, constantly watching for notifications, little sleep and not well rested, checking emails and news to look for “trouble”, coffee, sports, working out, claiming to treasure family when there is no presence with them, self-image focused.
• Most leaders these days struggle to tell the difference in “being alive” and being hopped up on adrenaline, caffeine, sugar, pressure, compulsivity, addiction, and competition, all driven by deeply repressed fear and insecurity. This can show up in a person’s inability to be by themselves in silence. Something always has to prevent the person from facing the stillness, emptiness, and themselves.
• Offices often contain type-A individuals who are invested in being right and fight to prove it. Covering up any mistakes that will hurt their pride. Once again, fueled by anxiety, expressing fear as anger, so no signs of weakness are displayed. Successful but unconscious leaders.

The flipside to the full-on business leader lifestyle:

• Good night’s sleep, gently waking up, intentional deep breathing, stretching, meditation, cup of tea, authentic connection with significant others, constantly checking up in a playful manner, breakfast without devices, dedication of time and energy to things she enjoys and outsourcing that which she doesn’t, a management system to separate life tasks in an organized fashion. No need to hold all the life goals and priorities in mind as they are filed. Leaving more time and energy for creative thinking.
• Yoga at the office, freedom to start when ready, priorities set, time dedicated to important tasks early on without meetings interrupting, open communication with employees and an agreement not to unnecessarily disrupt each other when in deep work. Complex ideas are discussed in person or by skype, to prevent email chains.
• Group lunch that is fun and playful. Not essential either. Learning and wellbeing is valued over everything else. People are curious and not worried about proving to everyone that they are right. Reducing toxic gossip and fear. Bursts of 90 minute work periods with 10 minutes of walking or moving creatively in between. Extremely efficient work ethic.

LEADING FROM ABOVE THE LINE

The first mark of conscious leadership is self-awareness and the ability to tell themselves the truth. Distortion and denial are cornerstone traits of unconscious leaders. For most leaders, survival is a matter of protecting the ego, identity, or image. Being wrong equates to being dead. The higher the stakes, the more the ego will try to survive by being right.

Knowing that you are below the line (unconscious) is more important than being below the line and thinking they are above it. Leadership blindness is rampant in the corporate world. Once they become self-aware it creates the possibility for change. From closed to open, defensive to curious, wanting to be right to wanting to learn, and fighting for the survival of the ego to leading from a place of security and trust.

Creativity, innovation, and collaboration occur best above the line. Survival trumps high-level problem solving, creativity, and collaboration below the line.

Yerke-Dodson effect: Increased arousal is correlated with increased performance and then declines (inverted U shape curve). Below the line is considered hyperarousal (increased HR, anxiety feeling, pupillary dilation, change in RR, increased blood adrenaline levels).

Content vs. Context

Content answers the question, “What are we talking about?” Context answers the question, “How are we talking about the content?” If leaders pay attention to the context, the content tends to resolve itself much easier and sustainably.

The Four Ways of Leading

Unconscious leaders are reactive. They react from a “story” about the past or an imagined future, and their personality, ego, or mind takes over. Many top leaders have tremendous drive, passion, and energy, which often go hand in hand with anger issues. When leaders are in the grip of unconscious fear, they can’t see it, feel it, experience it, or release it. Leading to fault and blame instead of creative problem solving.

Conscious leaders are not stuck in reactive patterns and are capable of experiencing the world around them in real time.

The “To Me” Way of Leading” (Victim consciousness)

Unconscious. The cause of their condition is outside them. They are being acted on by external forces (markets, competitors, team members who “don’t get it,” suppliers, weather, their mood, spouse, children, bank account, health, etc.) which cause their failures and insecurities.

Those operating in the To Me victim consciousness are constantly looking to the past to blame for their current experience. Their life is dominated by “why” questions: “Why did this happen to me?” “Why don’t they respect me?” “Why are we losing market share?” “Why are my kids failing school?” Searching for answers that assign responsibility for the cause.

The gateway for moving from To Me to By Me is responsibility.

The “By Me” Way of Leading

From victim consciousness to living in creator consciousness and from being “at the effect of” to “consciously creating with.”

To Me leaders believe the world should be a certain way, and if it isn’t, something needs to be different. By Me leaders choose to see everything in the world unfolding perfectly for their learning and development.

“What can I learn from this?” “How is this situation ‘for me’?” “How am I creating this and keeping it going?”

Radical responsibility: choosing to take responsibility for whatever is occurring in our lives, letting go of blaming anyone (ourselves, others, circumstances, or conditions), and opening through curiosity to learn all that life has to teach us.

The “Through Me” Way of Leading

My thoughts in these states are about how everything relates to “me.” To Me state is “at the effect of” people, circumstances, and conditions. The By Me state is “consciously creating with” people, circumstances, and conditions. Through Me state starts to open up the “me” itself.

“Am I at the center of the universe?” “Is there something else going on in addition to me?” “What is the nature of this other?”

The authors believe this relationship to be about love, energy of the quantum field, God, etc.

A clear purpose that they believe is beyond the individual. Believing that life’s highest ideal can manifest itself through the human vessel. Listening intently to what needs to be communicated to them.

Surrendering, or letting go, is the gateway to move from By Me to Through Me. Letting go of control and the invested ego.

The “As Me” Way of Leading

Oneness: No separation of reality. This leads to direct experience for the leader.

The absence of a personal “me.”

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Leadership operates from one of two places: above the line or below the line.
• Above the line leadership is open, curious, and committed to learning.
• Below the line leadership is closed, defensive, and committed to being right.
• Leading from below the line is not wrong—it is a common state.
• As a regular practice, conscious leaders notice when they are below the line and choose to shift to above the line.
• The Four Ways of Leading model shows the states of consciousness leaders operate in: To Me, By Me, Through Me, and As Me.
• Leaders are well served by focusing first on the shift from To Me to By Me leadership.

PART II THE 15 COMMITMENTS

COMMITMENT 1 > Taking Radical Responsibility

Above the line: I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life and for my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. I commit to supporting others to take full responsibility for their lives.

Below the line: I commit to blaming others and myself for what is wrong in the world. I commit to being a victim, villain, or a hero and taking more or less than 100% responsibility.

Blame, guilt, and shame are common forms of motivation used by leaders, parents, politicians, and clergy. They stem from toxic fear.

1. Something doesn’t go the way we think it should.
2. We become stuck in fear (often the anger that we feel is masking our fear).
3. We blame others, ourselves, or the system.
4. Relationships solidify around the roles of victim, villain, and hero.

Victims whine about how things aren’t fair, villains find fault and place blame (can sometimes blame themselves), heroes hate conflict and seek temporary relief for their discomfort. Heroes habitually over-function and take more than their fair share of responsibility by doing work for victims. Never dealing with the actual issue.

We have observed that leaders typically use five levels of motivation:

1. Toxic fear: blame, shame, and guilt
2. Extrinsic motivation: money, title, the corner office, and other perks
3. Intrinsic motivation: learning, fulfilling purpose, and autonomy
4. Play, creativity, and expressing our “genius” in the world
5. Love

Taking Responsibility

Commitment 1 is fundamental and extreme. Without it, leaders never escape the To Me box and won’t get to experience the other 14 commitments. It is extreme because it runs counter to the way people normally live.

Life doesn’t always work the way we think it should. When it doesn’t, we get anxious, resentful, or controlling. Placing the locus of control outside of ourselves. Alternatively, some people will blame themselves, modelling self-blame for others, and not really taking responsibility.

Learn to ask what you can learn from the situation rather than finding somebody or something to blame. Then move from rigidity, close-mindedness, and self-righteousness to curiosity, learning, and wonder. A third step can be to believe the universe is providing this with purpose and to feel gratitude (sounds pretty toxic to me).

Support others to form relationships where all parties make a concerted effort to end blame and criticism and to take 100% responsibility for their lives, committing to learning and curiosity versus being right.

Curiosity culture example questions:

• Am I willing to take full responsibility for this situation?
• What do I really want?
• If there were no obstacles, what would I be doing with my creative energy?
• Am I willing to learn whatever it is I most need to learn about this situation?
• Am I willing to see all others involved as my allies?
• Am I willing to see myself as empowered in this situation?
• How can I play with this situation?
• Where and when do I feel most alive?
• What am I distracting myself from doing or knowing?

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Taking full responsibility for one’s circumstances (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) is the foundation of true personal and relational transformation.
• Blame, shame, and guilt all come from toxic fear.
• Toxic fear drives the victim-villain-hero triangle, which keeps leaders and teams below the line.
• This leads to high employee turnover and low innovation, creativity, and collaboration.
• Conscious leaders and teams take full responsibility—radical responsibility—instead of placing blame.
• Radical responsibility means locating the cause and control of our lives in ourselves, not in external events.
• Instead of asking “Who’s to blame?”, conscious leaders ask, “What can we learn and how can we grow from this?”
• Conscious leaders are open to the possibility that instead of controlling and changing the world, perhaps the world is just right the way it is. This creates huge growth opportunities on a personal and organizational level.

COMMITMENT 2 > Learning Through Curiosity

Above: I commit to growing in self-awareness. I commit to regarding every interaction as an opportunity to learn. I commit to curiosity as a path to rapid learning.

Below: I commit to being right and to seeing this situation as something that is happening to me. I commit to being defensive, especially when I am certain that I am RIGHT.

Current research on leadership shows that four competencies trump all others as the greatest predictors of sustained success: self-awareness, learning agility, communication, and influence.

Quite possibly, no other commitment is more central to the core of unconscious people than the one to being right. It is connected to survival and survival is all that matters. When asked to bring to mind an “issue” that they are fighting to be right about at work or in their private lives, they are invited to notice the difference between the need to defend, justify, and explain why they are right about that issue. If they are honest with themselves, they see they aren’t nearly as certain about the “rightness” of their viewpoint as they act. Also, they realize that wanting to be right, being seen as right, and being validated and appreciated for being right are what they really want. All about the ego and nothing to do with actually being right at all.

Taking a moment to breathe and assess whether they are above or below the line means committing to self-awareness. Potentially facilitating the shift to consciousness. A deep breath of awareness and acceptance. When one is present, they can be with others, without the distraction from their personality, drama, anxiety, blame, or beliefs about scarcity. Allowing empathy, listening, and creation. In presence, a leader can innovate, improvise, and respond from their highest self.

Leaders are either present or in drift. Examples of drift are:

• BLAMING
• CONCEALING
• WORRYING
• COMPLAINING
• GETTING TIRED
• SPACING OUT
• CORRECTING
• IGNORING
• EXPLAINING
• INTERRUPTING
• INTELLECTUALIZING
• FACEBOOKING
• RUSHING
• COMPARING
• TRYING HARD
• INTERPRETING
• WHINING
• CARE TAKING
• BEING SARCASTIC
• GETTING CONFUSED
• GETTING OVERWHELMED
• GETTING SHY
• ANTICIPATING
• WAITING
• REHEARSING
• WATCHING TV
• GETTING EMBARRASSED
• DISMISSING
• SEEKING APPROVAL
• PROCRASTINATING
• GETTING ENLIGHTENED
• SHOPPING
• ORGANIZING
• SPACING OUT
• CLEANING
• SMILING
• ASSUMING
• BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
• GETTING RIGHTEOUS
• LOOKING INTERESTED
• WITHHOLDING
• SEXUAL ACTIVITY
• DRINKING AND DRUGGING
• EATING
• EMAILING
• COMPULSIVE WORKING
• CHECKING MY PHONE

Conscious breathing: shifts our breathing pattern and breaks the hold of our reactivity. 4:4:4:4 diaphragmatic breathing can shift blood chemistry and breathing rate, getting us out of SNS activation.

Radically changing our posture: We assume defensive postures when we are more interested in being right than learning.

Wonder is not about figuring anything out. It begins with a willingness to explore and step into the unknown, which involves taking a risk and letting go of control. Examples of wonder questions:

• I wonder what outrageous customer service would look like?
• I wonder what I can learn today that will benefit everyone?
• I wonder how we could get more done in less time?
• I wonder what choices I could make today that would allow me to experience greater and greater fun and creativity?
• I wonder what I could do today that would allow for a breakthrough in my life?
• I wonder what I can learn from the issue that keeps coming up with my partner that would expand my leadership?
• I wonder how abundance is showing up in my life today?

Conscious leaders are passionately committed to knowing themselves. Regarding every interaction as an opportunity to learn. All information falls into 3 buckets:

1. What I know
2. What I know I don’t know
3. What I don’t know I don’t know

Conscious leaders are drawn to finding out number 3. Feedback is a great source of discovery for that question. Results give us immediate feedback.

Practice the Commitment

• Commit to learning over being right. Decide that even though you will get defensive at times, you will make the choice to shift to curiosity whenever you recognize you’re defensive and below the line. Also decide that you will consider everything in life as a learning opportunity and value learning above all else. Share this commitment with key people in your life and request their support.
• Ask yourself regularly, “Am I above or below the line?”
• If you are below the line, can you accept yourself for being just where you are?
• If you’re below the line, ask yourself, “Am I willing to shift?”
• If you are willing to shift, choose a shift move to open yourself to learning.
• Ask wonder questions. Keep a list and share them with people close to you.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Self-awareness and learning agility are known to create sustained success in leaders—they form the foundation of conscious leadership.
• Conscious leaders are passionately committed to knowing themselves, which is the basis of their willingness to live in a state of curiosity.
• At any point, leaders are either above the line (open, curious, and committed to learning) or below the line (defensive, closed and committed to being right).
• Being “right” doesn’t cause drama, but wanting, proving, and fighting to be “right” does.
• Even though conscious leaders get defensive like everyone else, they regularly interrupt this natural reactivity by pausing to breathe, accept, and shift.
• The issue is not whether we will drift but how long we stay in a drift before we shift.
• There are two kinds of shift moves: those that change our blood and body chemistry (such as conscious breathing and changing our posture) and those that change our consciousness (such as speaking unarguably and appreciation).

COMMITMENT 3 > Feeling All Feelings

Above: I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. They come, and I locate them in my body then move, breathe, and vocalize them so they release all the way through.

Below: I commit to resisting, judging, and apologizing for my feelings. I repress, avoid, and withhold them.

Achieving emotional literacy involves developing a clear, accurate definition of emotion and identifying the core emotions. If an emotion is merely energy, or a sensation, moving in the body, then it is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong—it just is. That means we are not our feelings any more than we are our hunger pangs or the discomfort associated with a sprained ankle. Feelings just occur.

They suggest that there are five primary emotions: anger, fear, sadness, joy, and sexual feelings. All other emotions are variations of intensity or gradations of these primary emotions. By understanding these emotions it is much easier to develop emotional intelligence. Ask them what they are feeling right now, to practice. Get past thoughts and judgements. Another way is to ask them where they are feeling it in their body.

Feelings release themselves naturally if we don’t repress them. When our mind gets involved, we create an endless loop that causes emotions to recycle rather than release. By recycling or repressing emotions you may run from experiencing them by drinking, shopping, eating, working, watching tv, gambling, etc.

Releasing Emotion

• Locate the sensation in your body
• Breathe
• Allow, accept, or appreciate the sensation
• Match your experience with your expression

You can also try imagining what sound the emotion would make and vocalize it to release that energy like babies and animals do.

Emotions often only last 90s. If they aren’t expressed, they can harden into a mood. Fear becomes anxiety, sadness becomes apathy, anger becomes bitterness. Breathe, vocalize, and move with the emotions to allow calmness.

Learnings from each emotion

Anger:

• Something is no longer of service and must be changed. A boundary needs to be set or an existing one is being violated. Cut and destroy with an open heart rather than by abusing power. Conscious anger does not display blame, righteousness, or criticism.

Fear:

• Something important needs to be known. Danger is sensed. Fear also invites your full attention and presence when something new wants to be learned.

Sadness:

• Something needs to be let go of, said goodbye to, moved on from. Something once meaningful is going away. Leaders who feel no sadness hold on to old ideas, people, projects, and dreams long after they have served their purpose. Below the line sadness is grounded in the “poor me” mentality.

Joy:

• Something needs to be celebrated, appreciated, or laughed at, or someone needs a pat on the back. Below the line joy is often tied to circumstances outside them.

Sexual Feelings:

• The energy of creativity and creation. We can separate sexual lust, which leads to sexual relations, and sexual creativity, which leads to the birth of new ideas. Sexual energy can be expressed through innovation but often gets mistaken by people as the desire to have sex with one another. Which creates issues in the workplace. Especially when sexual energy is repressed. Those who have bad emotional intelligence try to avoid the experience and miss a potentially powerful emotion.

Practicing the Commitment

1. Stop periodically throughout your day and simply ask yourself the question, “What am I feeling right now?” The answer to the question must be one or more of the 5 core feelings. Do not analyze the feeling and search for “why.” Label it and go back to what you were doing.
2. When a feeling arises, pause and…

• Locate the sensation in your body. What are the “bits” doing?
• Breathe and allow the bits to simply do what they do.
• Move and/or make a sound to match what the bits are doing.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Great leaders learn to access all three centers of intelligence: the head, the heart, and the gut.
• Resisting and repressing feelings is standard operating procedure in most organizations. Feelings are viewed as negative and a distraction to good decision-making and leadership.
• Conscious leaders know that feelings are natural and expressing them is healthy. They know that emotion is energy in motion; feelings are simply physical sensations.
• The 5 primary emotions are anger, fear, sadness, joy, and sexual feelings. Knowing how to express them all of the way through to completion helps us develop emotional intelligence.
• Each primary emotion has a unique energy pattern and a set of sensations in and on the body.
• Every feeling we experience invites us in a specific way to grow in awareness and knowing.
• Repressing, denying, or recycling emotions creates physical, psychological, and relationship problems.
• To release emotion, first locate the sensation in the body, allow or accept the sensation, and then match your experience with your expression.
• Conscious leaders learn to locate, name, and release their feelings. They know that feelings not only add richness and color to life but are also an essential ally to strategic leadership.

COMMITMENT 4 > Speaking Candidly

Above: I commit to saying what is true for me. I commit to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.

Below: I commit to withholding my truth (facts, feelings, things I imagine) and speaking in a way that allows me to try to manipulate an outcome. I commit to not listening to the other person.

Tell the truth. Don’t lie.

People withhold facts: errors that they are afraid they will be blamed for, to prevent alerting those around them to current dangers, to prevent consequences of their actions.

People withhold thoughts (beliefs, opinions, and judgments): fear of being ostracized and the lack of authority within an established hierarchy.

People withhold feelings, especially the Big Three: anger, fear, and sadness: going against a toxic positivity culture, not wanting to express anger at those higher up for going against expectations and morals, not wanting to show weakness.

People withhold sensations. Which are tremendous sources of information, wisdom, and intuition: having a gut feeling that something isn’t right but ignoring it or blaming it on bad nutritional choices, anxiety which arises when a similar social situation occurs from a dangerous or devastating one from the past.

The Dangers of Withholding

A decrease an energy (flow of lifeforce, intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, or economic) creating stagnation in collective creativity, innovation, and implementation. Blocked energy can also be expressed as boredom and relational lethargy. A sign that something is being withheld. Which finally leads to disconnection. Hard to trust a withdrawn person who cannot engage with others. People then project their judgment of the withdrawn person and establish their opinion, that they are disrespectful. Once the opinion is there, the person will look for more evidence of that opinion and find it when further examples of withdrawal are displayed. A boss that believes themselves to be RIGHT are the perfect candidates for this withdrawal process and the corresponding perceived trait of disrespect and untrustworthiness.

• Withhold->Withdraw->Project

Leaders who reveal their thoughts, feelings, judgments, and feelings without seeing their judgment as RIGHT, foster greater trust and aren’t perceived as withdrawing. They are committed and connected by revealing themselves. They then own their perceptions and look to identify when they are being disrespectful rather than ignoring their role in the relationship. Leaders who are more opaque manifest greater energy within their organization.

• Reveal->Connect->Own

Start practicing being more candid with those whom you wish to get closer to. Don’t try to practice this in order to change somebody else. Candor is about revealing to learn more about yourself.

If we all speak candidly and don’t withhold facts, thoughts, feelings, or sensations, it greatly increases the probability that collectively we can see reality more accurately.

When we speak from the circle of truth, we tell the world as we see it. Openness addresses the question of how much we reveal, whereas truthfulness addresses the accuracy of our reveal. Awareness addresses how self-aware you are. Knowing how accurate you perspective of reality is. To grow in awareness we need to learn how to recognize our own projections.

Speaking Unarguably

Great leaders learn to reveal what is true for them by revealing what is unarguable: a thought, feeling, or a sensation.

By revealing your unarguable experience to others, without attachment to being right about the statement, it is more often met with curiosity than defense.

1. I’m having the thought that…
2. I feel… [sad, scared, angry, joyful, or sexual].
3. I’m having a body sensation of… [pinching in my shoulder blades, swirling in my belly, throbbing in my temples].

Conscious Listening

Most people use internal filters while listening, which influences what we hear and how we respond. These are examples of filters:

• DIAGNOSE: “The problem with your director of sales is…”
• CORRECT: “This isn’t really a communication issue, this is an attitude problem.”
• AVOID CONFLICT: “I’m sure that they don’t mean to be upsetting you; I’m confident you can work it out.”
• DEFEND: “Are you suggesting that I should have done something different with your director of sales!?”
• PERSONALIZE OR HEAR HOW WHAT THE OTHER IS SAYING RELATES TO YOU: “I’m having a hard time with one of my top sales people. I wonder if it’s something about those kinds of people?”

Be fully present to what others are saying. Support candor of the other person by listening to their content without shaping it internally. Listening to what they feel as well as the information. What is their core desire?

What are they saying (head)? What emotions are being expressed indirectly or directly (heart)?

What are their core needs (gut, instinctive)? Conversations often flow better once they get what they need, like acknowledgement.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Leaders and teams have found that seeing reality clearly is essential to being successful.
• In order to see reality clearly, leaders and organizations need everyone to be truthful and not lie about, or withhold, information. They need candor.
• Candor is the revealing of all thoughts, feelings, and sensations in an honest, open, and aware way.
• Speaking candidly increases the probability that leaders and teams can collectively see reality more clearly.
• Withholding is refraining from revealing everything to all relevant parties.
• Withholding also decreases energy in leaders, which often shows up as boredom or lethargy in them and relational disconnection in the team.
• Rather than withholding, conscious leaders practice revealing. They reveal not because they are right, but because they wish to be known. Through this transparency, they create connection and open learning.
• Conscious listening is one of the most important skills for effective leadership: by identifying our listening “filters,” we can let go of them and become fully present to the expression of the other person.
• Conscious listening takes courage: we must listen for the content (head center), the emotions (heart center), and base desire (gut center) being expressed by the other person.
• It is best to start with candor in relationships only when you have a shared commitment to it, along with the necessary skills, including being able to speak unarguably.

COMMITMENT 5 > Eliminating Gossip

Above: I commit to ending gossip, talking directly to people with whom I have a concern, and encouraging others to talk directly to people with whom they have an issue or concern.

Below: I commit to saying things about people that I would not or will not say to them. I commit to talking about people in ways I wouldn’t if they were in the room. I commit to listening to others when they gossip.

People who gossip are attempting to validate the righteousness of their thinking. They lack curiosity as they speak and are firmly planted within the drama triangle as a victim, villain, or hero. Agreeing to listen is the same as speaking it.

We often believe gossip to be useful as we say it gets unspoken information out into the open, which apprises leaders, and allows people to release pent up negative energy. This is based on 3 assumptions:

1. People won’t tell the truth to one another.
2. People don’t know how to release negative energy in a healthy way.
3. It takes too long to thoughtfully process the information and feelings.

Why do people gossip?

• To make others wrong.
• Gain validation.
• Control others. Feeding our judgments to others, manipulating the information flow and attempting to control their beliefs and behaviors.
• Get attention.
• Divert attention.
• Avoid conflict, with the actual person being gossiped about. Also, to avoid establishing a new boundary.
• Avoid feelings and/or expressing authentic emotions.
• Create pseudoalliances.

Is it gossip? If there is negative intent or if you wouldn’t speak this way to the person themselves, it is gossip.

How to clean up gossip

• Reveal to those to whom you have been gossiping.
• Reveal to the gossiper to whom you have been listening.
• Is it fact or story? Stories are interpretations of facts. Judgments, opinions, and beliefs. Not true.

The Clearing Model

• Affirm a meaningful relationship
• Establish a time to talk
• “The specific facts are…”
• “I make up a story that…”
• “I feel…”
• “My part in this is…”
• “And I specifically want…”
• “What I hear you saying…” (reflect or paraphrase without interpretation)
• After reflecting, ask, “Is that accurate?”
• “Is there more?”
• “Are you clear about this?”

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Even though gossip has long been a part of office culture, it is a key indicator of an unhealthy organization and one of the fastest ways to derail motivation and creativity.
• Gossip is a statement about another made by someone with negative intent or a statement the speaker would be unwilling to share in exactly the same way if that person were in the room.
• Gossip is an attempt to validate the righteousness of a person’s thinking and is below the line; it is not a comment designed to serve the person being discussed.
• People gossip to gain validation, control others and outcomes, avoid conflict, get attention, feel included, and make themselves right by making others wrong. In short, people usually gossip out of fear.
• If you gossip, clean it up by revealing your participation in the gossip to everyone involved.
• Use the issue-clearing model as a tool to separate fact from story and to learn to speak directly to one another.
• When leaders and teams learn to speak candidly with each other, they benefit from the direct feedback about issues within the organization that otherwise could derail creative energy and productive collaboration.

COMMITMENT 6 > Practicing Integrity

Above: I commit to the masterful practice of integrity, including acknowledging all authentic feelings, expressing the unarguable truth, keeping my agreements, and taking 100% responsibility.

Below: I commit to living in incompletion by withholding my truth, denying my feelings, not keeping my agreements, and not taking 100% responsibility.

Energy Management

Conscious leaders are masters at managing energy. When energy is allowed to flow, they are alive, engaged, passionate, on purpose, creative, innovative, intuitive, clear, visionary, playful, relaxed, and refreshed. An integrity breach is anything that interrupts or blocks the flow of energy. A major cause of employee disengagement.

Congruence

Integrity is wholeness. Congruence relates to matching what is on the inside to what is on the outside. Many leaders hide what they feel on the inside to avoid letting their fears show. It consumes a tremendous amount of energy to resist the release of feelings, thoughts, wants, and desires. Our bodies are meant to be open systems (food, water, air).

Alignment

Alignment is about purpose and directionality. Integrity is about knowing what we’re up to in the world and being in complete devotion to it. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, just clear and compelling to the leader.

Integrity

1. The unbroken flow of energy and life force
2. Congruence between what is experienced and what is expressed
3. Alignment with life purpose

An integrity breach is anything that breaks our flow of energy, blocks the matching of our experience and expression, or moves us away from being on purpose.

Four Pillars of Integrity

1. Take 100% responsibility
2. Speak authentically
3. Feel feelings through to completion
4. Keep agreements

Energetically, failing to keep a small agreement breaks the flow of life force as much as failing to keep a large one. Even breaking agreements with yourself undermines your integrity.

A commitment involves a general direction of your life’s orientation, whereas an agreement includes who will do what by when.

Impeccable Agreements

1. Making clear agreements
2. Keeping agreements
3. Renegotiating agreements
4. Cleaning up broken agreements

Make sure everybody is clear on the agreement and committed to making it. Get a real answer instead of a “corporate nod.” The commitments must also be tracked. If it is discovered that the agreement will not be reached, immediately renegotiate stopping, changing the scope, or the date of completion. If an agreement is broken, get to work repairing the issue. There is no need to make excuses or to “explain” why you didn’t keep it. Explaining is a waste of time. Take 100% responsibility.

Commitments in Action

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE—UNFELTS

Have I felt all my feelings around…

• My childhood
• My parents
• Any relationships that have ended
• My siblings
• My children
• My career
• My spouse
• My body
• My money
• My sexual orientation/desires
• How I use substances (drugs, food, alcohol)
• Death: mine and others

CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION—UNSAIDS

Is there anything I have been withholding from…

• My spouse
• My children
• My extended family, parents, siblings.
• My friends: current and past
• My colleagues: current and past
• Myself
• Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times

Is there anything I have been withholding about…

• Emotions: anger, fear, sadness, joy, sexual feelings
• Agreements
• Judgments
• Desires, wants, requests
• Money
• Stealing
• Approval
• Comparison
• Lying
• Appreciation
• Sex
• Consumption: food, alcohol, drugs

IMPECCABLE AGREEMENTS—UNKEPTS

Have I kept all my agreements with…

• My spouse
• My children
• My extended family, parents, siblings,.
• My friends: current and past
• My colleagues, current and past
• Myself
• Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times

Have I kept all my agreements about…

• Sex
• Money
• Time
• Things

HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY—UNOWNEDS

Am I blaming…

• My spouse
• My children
• My extended family, parents, siblings.
• My friends: current and past
• My colleague: current and past
• Myself
• Anyone else who comes to mind more than three times

Am I in victim or blame…

• My past
• My present circumstances
• My lack
• My emotional states (anger, sadness, fear, joy, sexual feelings)
• My spiritual states
• My physical condition

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Integrity is the practice of keeping agreements, taking responsibility, revealing authentic feelings, and expressing unarguable truths. It is essential to thriving leaders and organizations.
• Integrity is not defined here as conforming to a moral or ethical code, but rather as facilitating wholeness and congruence.
• Integrity is an unbroken flow of energy and life force, congruence between what is experienced and expressed, and alignment with life purpose.
• Organizations have a natural flow of energy, but when it is interrupted by integrity breaches, leadership is dampened and employee engagement decreases.
• Conscious leaders are masters at managing energy, which leads to an organizational culture that is alive, engaged, passionate, on purpose, creative, innovative, intuitive, clear, visionary, playful, relaxed, and refreshed.
• There are four pillars of integrity: taking radical responsibility (Commitment 1), speaking candidly (Commitment 4), feeling all feelings (Commitment 3), and keeping agreements (Commitment 6).
• Conscious leaders are impeccable with their agreements. They make clear agreements, keep them, renegotiate them when needed, and clean them up when broken.
• Integrity is fundamental to conscious leadership and successful thriving organizations.

COMMITMENT 7 > Generating Appreciation

Above: I commit to living in appreciation, fully opening to both receiving and giving appreciation.

Below: I commit to feeling entitled to “what’s mine,” resenting when it’s not acknowledged in the way I want.

When we feel entitled, we are stuck in a “To Me” attitude, and the victim, villain, and hero roles come into play.

The Meaning of Appreciation

Sensitive awareness: Bringing present in the moment and bringing attention to the person or situation. A master of appreciation can discern finer distinctions (just like an art or wine lover).

An increase in value: When something appreciates, it grows in value. Someone who lives commitment 7 has the intention of having their relations, circumstances, and experiences become more valuable. At first, this requires effort but becomes easier with time.

A Closer Look at Appreciation

Fully receive appreciation: Self-appreciation and receptivity to other’s attention is the first step to being a conscious leader. Appreciation is a valuable gift, that often brings others joy by giving. Refusing robs you and them of the experience of growth and connection. A ratio of 5 appreciations to 1 criticism is the optimal ratio for strong relationships.

Deflecting appreciation: The inner critic dismissing it with denial, passing it off to others, downgrading the work and promising better, verbal dismissal as being unnoteworthy, and reciprocating appreciation to pass it off. Often done out of fear due to a few reasons: Uncertain of the ability or capacity to return appreciation, the belief that they want something, the fear of being weak and vulnerable in order to accept it, possibly raising the bar of expectations, the fear of getting lazy and not improving, and not being humble.

The Four Elements of Masterful Appreciation

• Sincerity: If it isn’t genuine, it isn’t appreciation. Causing others to doubt the intention. Use your heart.
• Unarguable truth: Prevents any judgments, comparisons, or conscious/unconscious challenges. An example is, “I appreciate you for the detailed appendices in this report; I noticed how at ease I felt having all the information at my fingertips.”
• Specificity: Be clear otherwise they will question intentions and sincerity of vague comments.
• Succinct language: A little goes a long way.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Committing to appreciation, along with avoiding entitlement, helps leaders and organizations grow value and connection in the workplace.
• Appreciation is comprised of two parts: sensitive awareness and an increase in value.
• Entitlement arises when rewards and benefits become an expectation instead of a preference.
• Living in appreciation has two branches: being open to fully receiving appreciation and being able to fully give appreciation.
• For most, it is more difficult, and people are more afraid, to receive appreciation than to give it. To avoid receiving appreciation, people strategically deflect it.
• Masterful appreciation is sincere, unarguable, specific, and succinct.
• Appreciation allows the unique gifts in the community to be recognized.

COMMITMENT 8 > Excelling in Your Zone of Genius

Above: I commit to expressing my full magnificence and to supporting and inspiring others to fully express their creativity and live in their zone of genius.

Below: I commit to holding myself back and not realizing my full potential by living in areas of incompetence, competence, and even excellence.

People get stuck in three areas or “zones” that prevent them from expressing their full magnificence, creativity, and gifts in the world.

Genius:

• What work do you so love doing that it doesn’t seem like work?
• Which aspects of your work generate the highest ratio of positive results compared to time spent?
• Flow/the zone is where all sense of time disappears. Difficult to self-identify because it becomes so natural, when it is difficult for others.

Excellent:

• What do you consistently get positive feedback about in your work and life?
• What do you do better than just about anyone else?
• Often receive accolades and are good at what you do, making this zone comfortable. Although, it costs energy as it still feels like work.

Incompetent:

• What do you consistently get negative feedback about in your work?
• What work do you do that just about everyone can do better?
• Tasks that you dislike and do poorly, that leave you feeling frustrated. Delegate, stop, or do them differently to make them more fun. Get out of this zone asap. Unless you like a task, regardless of incompetence. Then keep playing until you can master it.

Competent:

• What work do you do that others can do just as well or better?
• What work do you do well but doesn’t feel totally satisfying?
• You can do things fine, but others are more efficient, produce better quality, and enjoy it more. Unsatisfying and draining, but not a complete waste of time.

The Upper Limit Problem

• Fear often holds us back from progressing into the genius zone. “What makes me so special?” The fear of failure and the possibility of losing others by changing your perceived identity is another issue.
• We all have perceived upper limits that we place on our performance, finances, relationships, joy, and experience. Fear usually reigns us back in when we reach these limits. Tall poppy syndrome, being too good to be true, etc. are usually culprits.
• Feeling fundamentally flawed: Feeling like full creative genius cannot be achieved as something is fundamentally wrong with them.
• Disloyalty and abandonment: Success will go counter to their roots and they will end up alone.
• More success = bigger burden: Don’t want extra burden, more to do, more people wanting stuff, life demanding more.
• Outshining: Don’t want to make others feel bad.
• A way to counteract the feeling of reaching the upper limits is to reprogram yourself into acknowledging this as the new normal. Integrate a high experience or new level with activities that are grounding, ordinary, mindless, soothing, mundane, and/or repetitive. Go for a walk, mow the lawns, sweep the floor, wash the car, etc. Gently raising the upper limits.

Ways to Approach Genius

Ask others:

• What am I doing or talking about when you experience me MOST energized and happy?
• When you experience me at my best, the exact thing I am doing is ___.
• What do you see as a special skill I am gifted with?

Once you know what your zone of genius is, you can start dedicating more time.

• Step 1: Look at your calendar from the last 2 weeks and make a list of 25 activities you performed in the course of doing your job. Be specific. If you energy went up, put an arrow going up. If your energy was flat, put a horizontal arrow. If your energy went down, put a down arrow.
• Step 2: Look at how much time you spent doing each activity. Would you be willing to have a 10-20% increase in energy? You need to be willing before committing.
• Step 3: What could you do with activities that drain your energy so that you can have more time for energetic activities? Delegate, dump, do it differently?
• Step 4: If you want to spend more time in your zone of genius, put one of those actions next to each down arrow. What is your first action step and by when will you do it?

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Conscious leaders build an organization that allows all team members to realize their full potential—and they support and inspire others to do the same.
• People tend to work and live in four zones: incompetence, competence, excellence, and genius.
• Conscious leaders are committed to maximizing their zone of genius, where their full magnificence and creativity can be expressed without hesitation.
• Unconscious leaders get stuck in the zones of excellence, competence, and incompetence, never living up to and expressing their extraordinary brilliance.
• The Upper Limits Problem, named by Gay Hendricks, identifies the fears and beliefs that keep people from stepping into their zone of genius.
• We can program our nervous systems to allow for greater happiness, fulfillment, and relational connectedness.
• Becoming aware of our unique giftedness, as well as the environments where that is most valued, (the Best Stuff Exercise) helps us spend more and more of our time thriving.
• Conscious leaders who spend time with team members to assess, understand, and appreciate their own unique genius qualities and talents create organizations that excel on all levels.

COMMITMENT 9 > Living a Life of Play and Rest

Above: I commit to creating a life of play, improvisation, and laughter. I commit to seeing all of life unfold easefully, and effortlessly. I commit to maximizing my energy by honoring rest, renewal, and rhythm.

Below: I commit to seeing my life as serious; it requires hard work, effort, and struggle. I see play and rest as distractions from effectiveness and efficiency.

As defined in Stuart Brown’s book, Play, play is “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and suspends self-consciousness and a sense of time. It is also self-motivating and makes you want to do it again.” Play can often be incredibly focused and energy intensive. It becomes hard work and a struggle when we make meaning out of life that causes stress and worry, and when we resist and force life rather than cooperate and improvise. Take advantage of the YES AND exercise.

Effort implies resistance and exertion doesn’t. Conscious leaders learn how to improvise in the spirit of play, even while exerting energy. Laser focus that doesn’t cause suffering. They understand and use laughter out of love. Inviting others in and doesn’t exclude or cause division.

Styles of Play

• The Joker: Making silly sounds, practical jokes, nonsense.
• The Kinesthete: Athletes, dancers, and others who push their bodies.
• The Explorer: Trying new experiences, new places, emotionally exploring and deepening feelings, and mentally researching new points of view.
• The Competitor: Games with specific views and fighting for number 1.
• The Director: Planning and executing scenes and events.
• The Collector: The thrill of having the most and best collection of objects or experiences.
• The Artist/Creator: Making things for beauty or function.
• The Storyteller: Performers who use stories, dance, magic, and acting to create an imaginative world.

When you let go, the brain recategorizes and resorts seemingly unrelated information into new innovative solutions. Time to nap, play, and relax fosters creativity and innovation.

Eliminating multitasking, learning to prioritize things, check emails later, take naps, going for walks, doing creative play projects, and feeling authentic feelings improves productivity.

Persona Playing

Lists of possible personas to play with, to improve creative thinking and explore other mindsets:

• PROTECTOR
• PEACEMAKER
• ENERGIZER BUNNY
• FLATTERER
• FIREFIGHTER
• CHEERLEADER
• PETER PAN
• ANALYZER
• SUPERCOMPETENT
• MULTITASKER
• GOOD LISTENER
• PROVIDER
• WITHDRAWER
• GOOD PARENT
• NICE GUY
• CRITIC
• REBEL
• CYNIC
• DEBATER
• CONTROL FREAK
• GOSSIP
• BULLDOZER
• DUNCE
• TIME COP
• REPEAT OFFENDER
• PURITAN
• DRILL SERGEANT
• MR. SARCASM
• KNOW-IT-ALL
• NARCISSIST
• COMPLAINER
• WORRY WART
• UNAPPRECIATED
• HYPOCHONDRIAC
• OVERWORKED
• MARTYR
• RESIGNED
• OVERWHELMED
• MISUNDERSTOOD
• THE NEEDY ONE
• WHINER
• DEPRESSED
• DUMMY
• THE RELIABLE ONE
• LYNCHPIN

Conscious leaders become experts in understanding and living by the natural rhythms of their life. When talking to workaholics about play, denial usually surfaces passive aggressively as workaholism permeates our contemporary culture. It is an addiction: Any behavior we do compulsively (repetitively, with no real experience of freedom to choose another behavior) in order to avoid experiencing our experience in the moment.

When fear/anxiety arise, many leaders repress it, deny it, and avoid it by resorting to drugs, alcohol, or sex. Others resort to shopping, gambling, pornography, eating, or exercising.

Excessive work hours destroy life balance and impact relationships. Many leaders work because they are terrified of being with themselves in this now moment and being with what is arising in them. They don’t know how to welcome core emotions like fear, anger, and sadness.

Practice the Commitment

• Take a couple of minutes to argue for why you can’t have what you really want.
• Make up a country song title that describes your current issue and sing a line.
• Have a fifteen-second temper tantrum. Be sure to include your whole body and make noise.
• For thirty seconds, hop on one foot and flap your arms as you discuss your serious issue.
• Radically (and we mean RADICALLY) change your current body posture and then talk about your issue for one minute.
• Sing “I am right—you are wrong” to the tune of your favorite nursery rhyme.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Creating a life of play, improvisation, and laughter allows life to unfold easily and energy to be maximized.
• Play is an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and suspends self-consciousness and a sense of time. It is also self-motivating and makes you want to do it again.
• An imposed nose-to-the-grindstone culture will lead to higher levels of stress, guilt, employee burnout and turnover.
• Energy exerted with this type of “hard work” is wrought with effort and struggle, whereas energy exerted through play is energizing.
• Most leaders resist play because they think they will fall behind if they aren’t seriously working hard.
• Organizations that take breaks to rest and play are actually more productive and creative. Energy is maximized when rest, renewal, and personal rhythms are honored.
• Conscious leaders who value and encourage an atmosphere of play and joy within themselves and in their organizations create high-functioning, high-achieving cultures.
• Workaholism is just like any other addiction, and it is an epidemic in the corporate world.

COMMITMENT 10 > Exploring the Opposite

Above: I commit to seeing that the opposite of my story is as true as or truer than my original story. I recognize that I interpret the world around me and give my stories meaning.

Below: I commit to believing my stories and the meaning I give them as the truth.

Whenever we don’t allow reality to be what it is, we are in opposition to life, and suffer as a consequence. The interpretation of the situation is what causes the pain, rather than the issue itself. Often expressed as the determination to be right. Conscious leaders take responsibility for being the labeler of life. They learn to question all of the labels. Wanting to be right is the compulsion of the ego. The ego believes that unless it is right, it cannot survive.

Stress and suffering reduction

• Is it true?
• Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
• How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
• Who would you be without the thought?
• If we are willing to reframe our subjective perspective, we can feel a sense of wellbeing in a matter of minutes.

Turnaround

• Example: John is unkind to me
• Turn it around to the opposite: John is kind to me
• Turn it around to the other person: I am unkind to John
• Turn it around to yourself: I am unkind to me
• How is this statement as true or truer? Give at least 3 examples.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Exploring the opposite means being open to the notion that the opposite of your story (thoughts, beliefs, opinions) could be as true as or truer than your story.
• It is not the issue itself that causes pain, but your interpretation of it.
• Conscious leaders take responsibility for being the labeler of their experiences and their life, and they learn to question all their labels.
• The Work of Byron Katie (www.thework.com) is a powerful tool in learning how to question beliefs that could likely be holding us back.
• Conscious leaders practice simple ways to question the beliefs that cause suffering, starting with “Is it true?” and “Can I absolutely know it is true?”
• The turnaround exercise allows leaders to practice shifting their beliefs from knowing to curiosity.
• When conscious leaders let go of the righteousness of their beliefs, they open to curiosity and align with their deepest desires.

COMMITMENT 11 > Sourcing Approval, Control and Security

Above: I commit to being the source of my approval, control and security.

Below: I commit to living from the belief that my approval, control, and security come from the outside – from people, circumstances, and conditions.

Humans have three core wants: approval, control, and security. All other “wants” stem from these basic desires. Issues that upset you generally come from deficits or perception of these wants not being achieved.

Three Core Wants: Approval, Control, and Security

• Wanting security/safety is wanting to survive. After physical survival, we desire financial, occupational, material, and relational security. Which are all perceived as just as important as physical survival.
• Approval is the desire to be loved, liked, wanted, valued, appreciated, respected, to belong, and to be part of something. Another desire to survive, as you won’t be killed or ostracized if you’re accepted.
• If you can’t gain security through approval, then you can get it via control. Trying to force everything to go the way you want.
• Each desire can be traced back to these three elements. An issue arises when people believe that these factors are dependent on someone or something else (it is “Out there” and “If only”). There is also the belief that what they want is happiness, which is only really a result of achieving the three core wants.

“Wanting” is the Issue, Not the Wants

As soon as we want something, it implies we don’t have it and need to go outside ourselves to find it. If you believe you don’t have security, you might try to increase you net worth or look for investments with little risk or work hard to guarantee your physical survival. Doing everything you can to hold onto your job because you believe it is key to your security, or putting up alarms in your house and carrying weapons to protect yourself. Always looking for threats to survival.

If you don’t believe you have approval, you’ll seek it from those around you (boss, clients, children, parents, neighbors, spouse, and self).

If you believe you lack control, then you’ll look to seek control over people, circumstances, and self. Controlling how people act, what they believe, how they relate to you and others. You try to control your thoughts, desires, and impulses. Devoting huge amounts of energy doing so.

Sedona Method (Hale Dwoskin): “You cannot go anywhere to get what you already have and you cannot do anything to become what you already are.” Those who believe they lack move in the world from fear and those who believe they are already whole, perfect, and complete, lacking nothing, move in the world from love and creativity.

Pain in life is not optional, but suffering is.

Practicing the Commitment

• At any moment (especially when you are upset and stressed) ask yourself “What do I want?” Don’t try to edit your answer or be mature about it. Just blurt.
• Ask yourself, “Could I welcome this wanting? Could I simply allow this wanting to be here just as it is?”
• Ask yourself, “If I dig a little deeper, is this desire coming from wanting approval, control or security?” (The key to this is to answer from your heart not your head. You can’t be wrong about your answer and if you’re not sure just pick one.)
• Ask yourself, “Could I welcome this wanting? Could I just allow it to be here?”
• Ask yourself, “Could I let this wanting go, just for now, just in this moment as best I could?”
• Ask yourself, “Could I rest for this moment as that (someone) which is beyond all wanting?”

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Humans have core wants of approval, control, and security. All other wants are versions of these three basic desires, which show up in a multitude of ways.
• Security is about survival, approval is about belonging and being part of something, and control is the ego’s last resort if it cannot achieve security through approval.
• The challenge is not in having approval, control, and security, but in believing that they are missing. This causes people to seek these core desires outside themselves—somewhere “out there.”
• The “If Only . . . I Would” exercise can help leaders wake up from the trance that their happiness is located outside themselves.
• It’s not the wants but the “wanting” of something different that leads to an unsatisfying life.
• The Sedona Method (www.sedona.com) offers questions and practices to source security, approval, and control from within.
• All leaders at any moment are operating from one of two experiences: either they think they lack something and seek to get it from somewhere or someone, or they believe they are already whole, perfect, and complete and move in the world from love and creativity.

COMMITMENT 12 > Having Enough of Everything

Above: I commit to experiencing that I have enough of everything… including time, money, love, energy, space, resources, etc.

Below: I commit to a scarcity mentality choosing to see that there is “not enough” for me and others in the world and therefore I have to be conscious of making sure I get and preserve what is “mine.”

The mantra of “not enough” carries throughout the day and becomes the default setting and grows into the justification for an unfulfilled life. The more one believes that it’s an unfair, unjust, and unequal world the more entrenched scarcity becomes.

When people have the perspective of “not enough” they tend to be more competitive and selfish. Resources become personal. Time is “ours” to control and energy is something we are allocated, accusing others of wasting “our” time and draining “our” energy. It is good practice to ask who you compare yourself against and how you judge yourself when you make these comparisons. What beliefs and experiences come up for you?

The Experience of Enough

The Soul of Money (Lynne Twist): Money is like water – regardless of the flow, you direct where it goes; what you appreciate, appreciates; and collaboration creates prosperity.

The Sufficiency Meditation:

• Check in to see what you experience is right now. Take a few deep breaths, notice the air moving in and out, notice that this air is enough.
• Bring you attention to your physical body. Pay attention to sensations and see if anything is missing.
• Notice your experience of time. There is no past or future. Only now. What is your relationship with time?
• Bring to mind anything that you believe is scarce and check to see if anything is missing.

Practicing the Commitment

• Meditate on sufficiency each morning.
• Challenge beliefs on scarcity.
• Do breath work. Experience not having enough breath then breathe shallowly to feel the difference between scarcity and enough. Then do deep and slow belly breaths to stay present.
• Notice space when moving through a busy area instead of the lack of it.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Conscious leaders experience their lives as having enough of everything: time, money, love, energy, space, and resources.
• The scarcity belief that there is “not enough” causes leaders to focus on making sure they get what is “theirs.”
• The myths that feed scarcity are that there is never enough, more is better, and it will always be this way.
• Conscious leaders notice this focus on the toxic myth of insufficiency and shift from a mentality of scarcity to one of sufficiency.
• To unwind scarcity, conscious leaders notice their reference point and check in with themselves, actively challenging their beliefs.
• Conscious leaders can practice checking in with their experience in the present moment, bringing attention to the physical body, and noticing the abundance of each moment.
• To those committed to conscious leadership, the belief and experience of sufficiency creates a profound shift in their relationship with others, work, and life.

COMMITMENT 13 > Experiencing the World as an Ally

Above: I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.

Below: I commit to seeing other people and circumstances as obstacles and impediments to getting what I most want.

Reactive people see others as on their side in getting what they want or obstacles. Convinced they will be happy when they get what they want. Everything also becomes better or worse than yourself, which requires a lot of energy to prove it, on top of making sure it stays that way. Conscious leaders are able to take themselves out of the equation and see everybody as an equal ally.

Every person or situation can serve learning and growth, nudging you to be more conscious. The person on the other side of a negotiating table can serve you by helping you establish what you value and to see when you are overreaching. Feel curious and be grateful for these experiences instead of wallowing in resistance when you don’t get what you “want.”

The Role of Challenge

Growing requires pressure. Conscious leaders understand the benefit of pressure and welcome it, causing them to wake up and take action or allow new things to come forward. Pressure is a catalyst for new ideas to be born, and old systems to break down to make room for new ones.

Other people don’t even have to consciously commit to being your ally. If you are committed to experiencing them that way, they are always instrumental to your growth.

Practicing the Commitment

If you are willing to see a person or circumstance as allies for learning, ask yourself the following:

• What is it that I could not have experienced without this person/circumstance?
• What part of this am I most resistant to? Can I see that this is true about me? And am I willing to welcome/love that part in myself?
• What is my biggest judgment about the way it is? Am I willing to see that the opposite of my judgment is as true or truer?
• How is this person or circumstance helping me face something that I have been unwilling to acknowledge or face?
• What quality could not have been developed in me without this person/circumstance?
• How is the universe using this person or situation to give me feedback?
• How is this in service to my growth?
• What part of me is this bringing forward to welcome, honor, accept, or love?
• In twenty years (or two), what will I say I learned from that”?
• In twenty years (or two), what about this will I be grateful for?

Possible reasons you attracted this person or circumstance to your life:

• You have judgments you want to release.
• This is a pattern you want to break.
• The universe is inviting you to pay attention to the wisdom in your body.
• You want to expand the possibility of who you can be and need the pressure of this situation or person.
• You want to discover where you are resisting in your life (physically, emotionally).
• You are learning to see your resistance and honor your “no.”
• You have unexpressed emotions that you want to acknowledge or feel.
• There is something you’ve been unwilling to face.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Conscious leaders commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies in their growth.
• Unconscious reactive leaders view other people and circumstances as obstacles to getting what they want.
• Most leaders start with this reactive mindset: they are convinced they will feel happy once they get what they want and if they can’t get what they want, it’s because others are standing in their way.
• Rather than seeing all people as allies, unconscious leaders think either/or: “people are either with me or against me.”
• This does not mean that competition is nonexistent, but that even competitors are supportive catalysts for growth and that adversaries can be extremely beneficial.
• Challenges create the positive pressure often needed for conscious leaders to expand beyond the comfort zone and into their full magnificence.
• Conscious leaders are able to shift out of the state of comparison to see everyone and everything as equally valuable.
• This perspective recognizes that all people and circumstances are allies in learning and growth.

COMMITMENT 14 > Creating Win for All Solutions

Above: I commit to creating win-for-all solutions (win for me, win for the other person, win for the organization, and win for the whole) for whatever issues, problems, concerns, or opportunities life gives me.

Below: I commit to seeing life as a zero-sum game, creating win/lose solutions for whatever issues, problems, concerns, or opportunities life gives me.

Scarcity beliefs lead to zero-sum, win/lose solutions. In this game, we must choose between competing (win/lose) and compromising (both lose). Reducing creative solutions.

With a By Me mindset, collaboration becomes an option. Collaboration opens all kinds of possibilities that are not available from competition and compromise. Conscious leaders approach solutions with full transparency and openness. They know how to create win/win solutions. They need to be completely available and willing to reveal their own experiences with honesty and integrity. If we have enough of everything, we don’t need to compete for resources. Conversation needs to be open and explorative to ensure support for everyone involved.

These questions support the creation of win-for-all solutions:

1. Are we committed to seeing others as equals and allies in this collaboration?
2. What is the biggest idea that our teamwork could create?
3. What do we need to become to create this vision?
4. What do we need to let go of to create this vision (beliefs, attitudes, feelings, experiences)?
5. What resources do we already have that could support this vision?
6. Who else could join in this partnership?
7. How can our collaboration support us all to get what we want?

Practicing the Commitment

• Step 1: Identify the problem, issue, or challenge. For example; staffing, email, management style, or conflicting desires.
• Step 2: Get candid. Tell the whole truth about the issue from your perspective; what is the issue behind the issue? Open a space for others to be candid. Listen deeply to one another.
• Step 3: Tell the story on the triangle. Identify victim-villain-hero dynamics and personas. Create several win/lose, zero-sum solutions. Have different sides of the issue win. See if you can make the solutions as egregiously unfair as possible: one side “really” wins and one side “really” loses.
• Step 4: See if you are willing to shift. Check in to see if you have a full body yes to create a win/win. If the answer is no, stop the process and explore what emotions or thoughts have not yet been faced, felt, or expressed. If willing, go to Step 5.
• Step 5: Claim 100% responsibility. Option: Do the 100% responsibility process from Commitment 1.
• Step 6: Get curious. Wonder about win-for-all solutions. (Do this while using some of the shift moves: radically change your body position, move, breathe, use other voices)
  • What resources do you have available that you haven’t used?
  • How else could you think about this?
  • If you were the other party, what would you propose?
• Step 7: Create an action plan to implement the new win-for-all solution(s)

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Win-for-all solutions are a goal of conscious leaders and organizations.
• Conscious leaders commit to moving beyond the zero-sum game into a creative solution that serves all.
• Unconscious leaders see situations as win/lose and create a culture that promotes competition and compromise.
• Win-for-all solutions require the building blocks of the other conscious leadership commitments, providing a concrete example of how conscious leaders integrate all the commitments into a way of being in the world.
• Within an organization, win-for-all coaching questions help create a culture that supports and encourages everyone.
• The energy resulting from win-for-all collaboration allows solutions to be implemented quickly.
• A win-for-all culture allows an organization to thrive as creativity, collaboration, vision, and achievement are optimized.

COMMITMENT 15 > Being the Resolution

Above: I commit to being the resolution or solution that is needed: seeing what is missing in the world as an invitation to become that which is required.

Below: I commit to responding to the needs of the world with apathy or resentment and doing nothing or assigning blame to others.

Over-functioning, typically caused by a deep desire for approval, control, and security as well as a strong belief that there isn’t enough, eventually leads to a swing in the pendulum. Caring too much and being too involved to caring too little and not being involved at all. Apathetic and, indifferent, and resentful, they develop a strong commitment (frequently based in entitlement) to do nothing except blame others or the system. It doesn’t tend to appear until they’ve “made it.” There are limitless ways in which we can look at the world’s issues – or our own – and close our heart, harden our minds into cynicism, and check out into apathy.

Action not rooted in beingness is usually short-lived, exhausting, and guilt producing. When “being” is prioritized, the doing happens naturally.

An invitation is not an obligation, responsibility, or duty. It can be freely accepted or rejected. An invitation to be or become something that responds to what is missing.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Being the resolution means that conscious leaders recognize what is missing in the world and view that as an invitation to become what is needed.
• When unconscious leaders grow weary of an intense version of the victim-villain-hero triangle, they often shift to an “indifferent” experience of drama, characterized by apathy and resentment.
• Many unconscious leaders, who have spent their entire careers problem-solving, delivering results, and pulling people along, often feel drained and want to disconnect.
• Team members who don’t feel heard by unconscious leaders stop caring about making changes and give up on creating solutions that could benefit the organization.
• Conscious leaders see what is missing, not from a perspective of lack, but of opportunity. They then follow a calling to respond to the perceived need.
• Being the resolution takes place only from a conscious leader’s whole body YES!
• Being the resolution incorporates the mastery of living from several of the other commitments and, once mastered, allows conscious leaders to move the world to greater beauty, alignment, productivity, efficiency, and grace.

PART III SHIFTING TO CONSCIOUS LEADERSHIP

THE CHANGE FORMULA

(Vision X Dissatisfaction) + First Steps > Resistance = Change

People often say they like change, when really they mean initiate change that allows them to stay in control. Real change means altering a person’s core pattern and identity. It shows up in our behavior but goes deeper.

By Me leaders have compelling personal visions and By Me organizations have motivational, transpersonal visions that embolden others to take all the risks associated with change.

Most people and organizations overcome resistance to change by becoming dissatisfied with the status quo. It isn’t working and won’t work in the future, so change is required. The fear of not changing must exceed the fear of change. To Me leaders avoid and anesthetize their dissatisfaction by distracting themselves with bright and shiny new things, promotions, cars, a new wife, new challenge, etc. If not, drugs, sex, gambling, alcohol, tv, games, etc. The more successful, the more tools at disposal for numbing. By speaking candidly you can identify this numbing and reveal dissatisfaction. However, collective collusion results in work or relationships operating with an unconscious agreement to avoid dealing with our pain and fears. Ostracizing and rejecting anybody who does.

You need to acknowledge your dissatisfaction and what is being used to numb yourself before change is possible. Think of needing 100 points of motivation from Vision x Dissatisfaction to overcome resistance.

V x D is the car engine that produces energy for propulsion, but without the drivetrain (FS), the car stays still. First steps are the what and how. For most people though, they have the means but not the motivation. That’s why we have so many how-to books but little action. People avoid facing their lack of willingness by asking “how” questions. It keeps them thinking they want to change without facing their real resistance to change.

Willingness to change is different from knowing how to change. Our egos/identity don’t want to let go of control and step into the unknown, making us think we’re willing to change when we’re really not. Trying is wanting credit for something you never intend to do.

Are You Willing to Change?

• Are you willing to take 100% responsibility (not more or less than 100% responsibility) for this issue? Are you willing to stop blaming and criticizing others and yourself?
• Are you willing to let go of being right? Are you willing to get more interested in learning than defending your ego?
• Are you willing to feel all of your authentic feelings (fear, anger, sadness, joy, sexual feelings)?
• Are you willing to reveal to others all of your withholds? Are you willing to speak unarguably? Are you willing to listen consciously to others?
• Are you willing to stop all gossip about this issue? Are you willing to clear up all past issues with all relevant parties using the clearing model?
• Are you willing to clean up all broken agreements related to this issue? Are you willing to renegotiate all agreements related to this issue that you no longer have a whole body YES to keeping? Are you willing to only make agreements about which you have a whole body YES and around which you have control?
• Are you willing to shift from entitlement to appreciation about this issue? Are you willing to place your attention on how this issue is here for your learning? Are you willing to let go of all past resentment and replace it with genuine appreciation?
• Are you willing to let go of living in your zones of incompetence, competence, or excellence? What do you need to let go of to be willing to live in your zone of genius? Are you willing to live only in your genius?
• Are you willing to let go of taking this issue seriously? Are you willing to treat this issue lightly and play with it? Are you willing to have this issue resolve easefully and effortlessly? Are you willing to honor your rhythms of rest and renewal, and sprint and recovery around this issue?
• Are you willing to see that the opposite of your story is as true as or truer than your story?
• Are you willing to welcome and release all wanting of approval, control, and security? Are you willing to experience no lack of approval, control, and security? Are you willing to let go of seeking approval, control, and security from the outside?
• Are you willing to let go of beliefs in scarcity? Are you willing to experience that you have enough of everything?
• Are you willing to quit playing a zero-sum game regarding this issue?
• Are you willing to see that everyone and everything related to this issue are your allies?
• Are you willing to let go of win/lose (competing) and lose/lose (compromising) views regarding this issue? Are you willing to create authentic win-for-all resolutions for this issue?
• Are you willing to be the resolution that you are seeking regarding this issue?

Acknowledge where you are, allow yourself to be there, accept yourself for being the way your are, appreciate yourself for where you are. Then you can begin starting the 15 commitments.