The Social Rabbit Hole

Huberman Email (Five steps to enhance the quality of connection with yourself and others)

1. GET THANKS

Neuroimaging, EEG, and psychology studies show that the positive effects of a gratitude practice primarily occur when we receive, not when we give, gratitude. Merely writing out gratitude lists or counting our blessings, while useful, pale in comparison to receiving gratitude. Thus, give gratitude and encourage those receiving it to really hear you. Hopefully, someone in your life (perhaps many people) will genuinely thank you too.

2. MAKE IT GENUINE

The genuine intention of the gratitude giver (the thanker), has a direct impact on the degree of positive effect felt by the person receiving the gratitude (the thankee). So, give thanks, but do so with honesty. 

3. OBSERVE/RECALL OTHERS GIVING & RECEIVING GENUINE THANKS

Neuroimaging studies from Antonio Damasio‘s Lab show that observing or hearing the stories of others receiving help (or thanks) activates pro-social circuits that improve our mood and other health metrics. We are wired for social interactions and are wired to gauge the emotional state of others. As the psychologist and neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, says: we regulate each other’s nervous systems. Having a story you can recall in which someone received genuine gratitude is beneficial. Recall that story 1-3 times per week. Once it’s imbedded in your memory, you don’t have to recall it in great detail to receive the benefits.

4. INTROVERSION & EXTROVERSION REFLECT SOCIAL HOMEOSTASIS

We have brain circuits that drive a “social hunger” – an appetite for finding and reinforcing social bonds, and the release of the neurochemical dopamine from a special brain location (called the dorsal raphe nucleus; DRN) is involved in that drive. Studies on introverts and extroverts suggest that introverts like social interaction but are socially satisfied faster than are extroverts. This makes sense, based potential differences in the amount of dopamine they release from the DRN in response to social interactions. Don’t assume that introverts are quiet and that extroverts talk a lot. That can be true, but just as often, it is simply that introverts experience more dopamine release from less social interaction and thus are satisfied earlier. The takeaway is to offer (or take) opportunities to exit social interactions early and not feel guilty about it or take offense. The extroverts can keep at it until they get the DRN/dopamine they need.

5. MERGE PHYSIOLOGIES

When people hear a story, their hearts begin to beat in a similar way even if they are not in the same room as one another. This is remarkable and holds up even for people with very different backgrounds and lives. Other studies point to the fact that when people have similar physiological experiences, they forever feel closer, which is familiar to many of us. Oxytocin appears to be involved. Narrative drives common physiological responses, which are powerful glue for relationship building of all kinds. The takeaway: Build social bonds by hearing, watching or sharing stories. Watching movies, hearing someone tell stories, playing or listening to music, etc. are all excellent paths to this. Do those things together.

BONUS (REMINDER): View morning sunlight, avoid bright lights (most) nights between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m. and practice Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) so you can maintain strength for yourself, and show up strong to everything you’re doing. 

Huberman Pod

Social Bonding as a Biological Process

Everything in biology is a process, not an event.

The neural circuits, hormones, and other chemicals involved with social bonding are not unique. Many of these variables are repurposed for different circumstances and social bonds.

Social Isolation

Those who are introverts, that socially isolate themselves to an extreme extent, are putting themselves through a great deal of stress. Tachykinin goes up during social isolation and makes the person aggressive and irritable. Chronic social isolation changes the neural circuitry so that social connection becomes harder and the person becomes more irritable and aggressive towards others.

Social isolation starts to deteriorate certain aspects of the brain and body very quickly. How quickly depends on how extroverted or introverted a person is.

Social Homeostasis & Neural Circuits for Social Drive

We have brain circuits that are devoted to a social homeostasis, just like hunger and temperature. Every homeostatic circuit needs a detector (whether you are interacting with others in a positive manner), control center (makes the adjustments to your behavior and psychology), and an effector (what drives a response).

The neural circuit that controls social homeostasis has a fourth component which measures the subjective understanding as to why you were doing what you were doing and establishes your place in the hierarchy. This hierarchy changes dynamically in different environments.

The social hierarchy adjustments are made in the PFC. To allow us to put subjective labels on things and establishing positions in hierarchy in different contexts.

Brain Areas & (Neuro)Chemistry of Social Drive

The detectors for social homeostasis are the ACC and the basal lateral amygdala (important for avoiding certain social bonds). Helping us move towards or away from certain stimuli.

The control centers are the lateral hypothalamus and the periventricular hypothalamus. They contain neurons that are able to access the hormone system to influence the release of things like oxytocin.

Dorsal raphe nucleus (small collection of neurons in the midbrain) is usually considered a serotonin site. However, there are a small subset of neurons here that release dopamine (neuromodulator for movement, motivation, craving, desire). This population is responsible for mediating the social homeostasis.

What is Social Homeostasis & Dopamine

When you lack social interaction, you begin to crave it. Dopamine is released when you aren’t fulfilling your unique desire/need for social interaction. Causing us to seek out social interactions.

If you regularly interact with people at a certain frequency and something cancels that scheduled expectation of social fulfillment, you would feel let down and crave the interaction (prosocial craving). You may start texting or trying to talk with people. If you are socially sated and somebody takes interaction away, you would expect not to care as you’ll have more opportunities coming. However, instead, the dorsal raphe releases dopamine and causes a drive for it.

When We Lack Social Interactions: Short- Versus Long-Term

When we are chronically socially isolated, we become more introverted and antisocial. If something doesn’t eat for a while, they don’t desperately chase food, they just get used to fasting for a bit.

Introverts & Extroverts

The psychology of introverts and extroverts is actually different to the pop culture definition.

People who appear introverted at a party could actually be extroverted (just not talking much). The extroverted person gets a “lift” from social interaction (possibly a dopamine release). The person talking a lot may be an introvert talking about something they do, feeling drained afterwards.

Dopamine is released in higher amounts than in an extroverted, causing them to feel sated from shorter bouts of interaction.

“Good” Versus “Bad” Social Interactions & Hierarchies

The PFC has connections into the hypothalamus, increasing drive and motivation, reward centers, and also act as an accelerator or brake on other centers. It can override reflexes by placing a subjective label on something.

They are also responsible for evaluating where you are in a social hierarchy. Giving you motivation to engage in some interactions over others. If you are an extrovert, you may want to seek a greater quantity of people for a bigger dopamine release. However, seeing somebody you don’t like may cause you to leave, which would be regulated by the PFC. This is the subjective aspect to social requirements.

Loneliness & Dorsal Raphe Nucleus & Social Hunger

Loneliness is defined as the distress that results from discrepancies between ideal and perceived social relationships. Highly subjective expectations.

Activating the raphe nucleus to release dopamine can induce a loneliness like state, making the person seek interaction. When it is not activated, it suppresses the loneliness state. This means that loneliness can be boiled down to a very small subset of neurons that release dopamine for motivation.

Depending on where you see yourself in the social rank, the dopamine may lead to one consequence or another. Making the motivational drivers flexible.

Tools

Introvert: large dopamine release from smaller interaction.

Extrovert: more interaction required for a similar quantity.

Socializing & Food Appetite: Crossover Craving

Socially isolating people who were used to frequent engagement were given images of people to see how their brains responded.

When people are socially isolated, they begin to eat more as they are craving the dopamine release from a common circuit.

Food, water, social interactions, etc., have these common circuits that release dopamine from the dorsal raphe nucleus, which initiate craving.

Falling in Love

When we fall in love, we also have cravings for that person in a similar way. When we are fully sated with any of these interactions, such as when we are extremely elated during falling in love, we may not have the desire to eat, as the circuitry has had its fill of dopamine release.

Tools for Social Bonds: Merging Physiologies; Story

Our physiology (HR, RR, skin conductance) can be synchronized across individuals. It can occur when people look at each other (pupil size synchronize, breathing, body temp), some subconscious or conscious. When people listen to a story at different times their heart rates start to synchronize.

The quality and depth of a social bond is correlated with the physiological synchrony you have with that person. When your bodies feel the same, you feel more bonded. He calls it the concert phenomenon.

This can be a shared phenomenon in a place like a movie, concert, or play. The story is the driver/anchor of physiology.

Many people when they interact with others, expect that the mere interaction with the other person is going to create a sense of bonding. In many interactions it is the shared experience and synchrony of physiology that is the real bonding moment. In families, observing a moment (grandchild birth) or sharing a meal can be a strong bonding moment. By using this tool, you can build greater relationships with people. A shared physiological experience.

If you want to bond with someone, create a shared physiological experience.

Emotional Empathy & Cognitive Empathy, Arguing

Empathy is the ability to feel, or think we feel, what others feel. We really don’t know how others feel but we just get a sense of it. There is emotionally empathy (feel on a somatic and autonomic level) and cognitive empathy (see and experience at a mental level).

Romantic relationships require both forms of empathy for an effective bond.

For deeper bonds, synchronize physiological states, cognitive states, and emotional empathy. We don’t need total convergence on opinion, just to understand how the other feels and believe that they understand how we feel. As well as understanding how they think and that they understand how we think.

Allan N. Schore & “Right Brain Psychotherapy”

Good for rewiring poor infant-mother attachments for adulthood.

Oxytocin & Trust, In Males Versus Females, Hormonal Glue

Oxytocin is involved in orgasm, social recognition (your team, group, friends), pair bonding, honesty, variants associated with ASDs.

It is involved in lactation. The suckling of the nipple causes the milk let down. It is also involved in uterine contraction during childbirth and also cervical dilation, so the baby can pass through the birth canal.

In some males it is involved in the erection and orgasm too. In females, sexual stimulation and orgasm cause the release of oxytocin. In males, sexual stimulation causes the release of vasopressin. Oxytocin is released in males 30 minutes after orgasm.

The main types of interactions that release oxytocin at high levels are those where people see each other as closely associated (infant-mother), physical contact and sexual desire, and trust.

Repairing Broken Bonds to Self & Others

MDMA is being used to release huge increases of oxytocin to repair fractured bonds with others. The feeling of kinship that one feels with others while on MDMA is of the autonomic type. Physiologies become synchronized. Even when only one person takes it. One person’s physiology influence another like a bridging signal. If touching, it increases this level even further. A hormonal glue of sorts.

Social (Media) Butterflies: Biological Basis

People vary in their capacity to feel bonded to anyone. Some of the variation may dependent on the receptor density for oxytocin. Gene polymorphisms. The gene changes the amount and function of oxytocin.

People that carry certain variants in the oxytocin receptor genes actually seek out more online social Instagram interactions. People who have higher levels of oxytocin function actively seek out more social interactions on social media.

Technically, we are socially bonded with others through social media when we all interact with a post. The oxytocin system probably plays a role in this.

The child-parent interaction is crucial, but beyond that we have evolved to recognize many different forms of social interaction.

Key Points for Bonding & Understanding Social Bonds

All social bonds have the potential to include emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. It is important to share autonomic experience. Emotional empathy and the synchronization of physiology can be best accomplished by paying attention to external events, such as narrative, story, music, sports, etc., as an external experience to drive synchrony of the internal states.

Cognitive empathy is about really understanding how someone thinks and about trusting that they know how you think.

Introverted people get more dopamine from less social interaction. It’s all about how much is enough for a certain person.

Breaking Up

Involves breaking of emotional and cognitive empathy. If one of our major sources of dopamine and oxytocin is gone, it can be devastating to our nervous system.

Choosing a Mate

What people look for in a long-term relationship is different to a one-night-stand/casual sex.

Sexual selection deals with phenotypes for mating advantage. The theory was that whatever qualities led to being selected as a mate, resulted in passing on the genes of that member of the species, passing on that same phenotype. Increasing frequency over time. Intrasexual competition.

Preferential mate choice. If members of one sex agree with one another that there are certain qualities that are more desirable in a mate, those that have them have the mating advantage. Increasing in frequency over time.

Humans are strange as we have mutual mate choice, instead of being purely female led.

Long Term Mates: Universal Desires

Very rare in the mammalian world (3-5%). Humans have long-term pair bonding, attachment, heavy male investment in offspring, relatively concealed ovulation, etc.

Universal desires across both genders: intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love (infatuation and then attachment after 6 months), good health, dependability, emotional stability. Physical fitness.

Women, more than men: good earning capacity, slightly older age, the qualities associated with resource acquisition (social status, drive, ambition, long-term resource trajectory).

What Women & Men Seek in Long-Term Mates

Across cultures: women attend to the attention structure – a key determinant of status. Is he spending his day playing video games or professional development? Hard work, ambition, clear goals, or existential crisis?

Guys who have passed the filters of multiple women become preapproved. So, if other women are comfortable around them. More attractive if around women.

These cues change over time, with the change of culture. Attention structure could be cued by their twitter followers. Pregnancy is metabolically more costly for women, so it makes sense that they would be more cautious.

Women favor a good shoulder to hip ratio and fitness rather than being overtly muscular. As well as cues to health status.

Men value physical attractiveness (unconscious cue for fertility) and youth more than women across cultures.

Variation across cultures for men’s preferences may be things like plumpness vs. thinness, but clear skin, clear eyes, symmetrical features, low waist to hip ratio, full lips, lustrous hair, etc., are all qualities associated with youth and health. Contributing to attractiveness.

Age Differences & Mating History

The age gap depends on the age of the man. Men preferred women who were 3-4 years younger on average and vice versa. As men get older, they prefer women increasingly younger than they are. In men with multiple marriages, preference in mates gets younger. Peak fertility in women is around 24-25.

The reason older men don’t purely go for that age is the mutual choice restraint. Meaning the woman’s choice is preventing that. As well as the actual interactions being more beneficial if the activities that they do together are enjoyable for both members. Too large an age gap is essentially like being from different cultures.

If you are a male who is in the position where thousands of women are available to you, you see a clearer expression of the youth of the women they date.

Cultural variability: virginity was mostly desirable across cultures. In China it was indispensable that both partners be a virgin (not so much anymore), whereas Sweden placed almost zero value on virginity. Where there was a sex difference it was nearly always in the male’s favor.

Deception in Courtship

People lie in predictable ways, in order to represent the mating qualities of the person they are trying attract. Men lie about ability, income, status, height, etc. Women lie about weight. Both post photos that are not a true representation of what they are actually like. Usually just a slight rounding out in the favorable direction.

A photograph tends to overwhelm all the other cues, like written statements. Men tend to visual cues much more than women. Women have an acute sense of smell and may change their minds on the olfactory cue of the man.

Emotional Stability

Do something like go on a trip together and test unpredictable environments. Emotional instability tends to occur during periods of stress. Emotional unstable people tend to have a long latency of returning to baseline after such event.

Lying About Long-Term Interest

Deception about whether you’re interested in a long-term relationship or short-term hookup. Especially in men. The overt displays of wanting a short-term hookup are ineffective tactics. Which is why men may exaggerate the depths of their feelings for the woman, how similar they are with their values, etc. Possibly evolutionarily recurrent, which women also have defenses against. Online dating just opens the door to deception that wasn’t possible before. Sources of data on a person, from the community, are less available.

Short-Term Mating Criteria, Sliding Standards & Context Effects

Physical appearance is more important for women in short term mating vs. long term. Is the guy good looking? They remain important for men but are willing to drop their standards for a short-term commitment. Women prefer the “bad boys” short term and good dad qualities long term. Also, the groupie phenomenon of finding somebody attractive who heaps of other women do (like rockstars). Women’s attraction to men is much more context specific.

How he reacts to a puppy, a baby in distress, or positively interacting with a small child. For men, context doesn’t matter much.

Status & Mating Success

A man may be attracted to a woman but not know why. Similar to our adaptive food preferences.

Higher status gives the ability to choose from a wider pool of desirable mates, driving some to unconsciously strive for higher status. Conversely, having a desirable mate endows you with a higher status. Seeing an ugly guy with a beautiful woman makes people believe he must have a lot going for him.

Jealousy, Mate Value Discrepancies, Vigilance, Violence

Jealously was seen as a sign of insecurity, immaturity, a neurosis, etc. Jealously is an evolved emotion that serves many functions. A male invests a lot of time and resources into one woman and her children, so you need a defense to prevent or preserve the investment. Jealously serves as a mate guarding function. Jealously gets activated when there are threats to the relationship. Which can come from cues of infidelity, emotional distance, lack of emotional reciprocation, etc. Also, mate poachers. Jealously motivates to keeping them away.

People tend to pair off based on their similarity and mate value. “I think you could do better.” Getting fired from a job or a career takes off, suddenly there is a mate value discrepancy. The higher mate value a person has, the more likely to have an affair. Especially if the discrepancy is sufficiently large. Jealousy is an emotion that is activated with these experiences. Increased vigilance is activated and sometimes violence between partners or poachers. Unfortunately, the violence seems to reduce the perceived mate value discrepancy and works in favor of the abuser.

In marriage studies, verbal violence is usually a good predictor of physical violence. Guys insulting a woman’s appearance, trying to drag down their perceived value down to his level. A signal that this pathway is beginning is the cutting off of her from her friends, family, reduced exposure to mate poachers, etc. Diabolical but there is functionality, which is why it exists in the first place.

Men are more ashamed of being beaten by women, but nobody cares. Men just do more damage. It is often believed that men attack out of jealousy and women only attack out of self-defense. Some of the accounts, along with catching sexual infidelity.

Specificity of Intimate Partner Violence

If a man suspects he is not the father, he is more likely to direct blows to her abdomen. To terminate the pregnancy of a potential other male.

Mate Retention Tactics: Denigration, Guilt, Etc.

Psychological manipulations about mate value, feigning anger to make the partner guilty about looking at someone else.

Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy

The dark triad. Narcissism: grandiosity, more intelligent or attractive than they are, sense of entitlement. Machiavellianism: high scorers tend to implore an exploitative strategy, where they may feign collaboration before exploiting them, seeing others as pawns. Psychopathy: lack of empathy. If you combine these qualities, you have some terrible guys. Men much more likely. These people end up being sexual deceivers, harassers, and coercers.

It is all about them. More susceptible to the sexual over-perception bias, believing that a woman is attracted when they aren’t. Also, predictors of inter-partner violence. This may be why there is a gender difference in perpetrators.

Stalking

Stalking has multiple motivations. One is a partner who has been dumped but doesn’t want this to be the case. They might scare off new potential mates or follow them around trying to get them back. Even just planting the psychological seed of surveillance rather than actual stalking is a form of harassment.

In a minority of cases, some forms of stalking work to get women back temporarily. Not a very successful strategy though. The guy usually realizes correctly that he won’t be able to replace her. The stalker tends to be much lower in mate value.

Influence of Children on Mate Value Assessments

As a general rule, having children decreases a woman or man’s mate value. There is often conflict in step families because of resource allocation to an unrelated child. Investing effort in another’s kids can increase your mate value if you believe they are of higher value than you.

Another reason why an older man might seek a younger woman – less likely to have children already.

Attachment Styles, Mate Choice & Infidelity

A secure attachment style is more conducive towards a long-term relationship. Avoidant attachment styles tend to have more difficulty with intimacy and a higher probability of infidelity. Anxious attachment style can lead to clinginess, dependence, and overall relationship load.

An example of the anxious attachment style could be the speed at which somebody replies to a message and where the mind goes if not replied to immediately. Huberman talks about a friend who trains their partners to get used to a variable response latency.

Non-Monogamy, Unconventional Relationships

An attempt to overcome evolved features of our mating psychology but often in the service of other aspects of our mating psychology. Men seem to be more likely to be polyamorous for sexual variety. Sometimes women may agree as a mate retention act (on average). An emotional connection can make some women more jealous than the sexual act. It upsets men more if their partner sleeps with other men. Sometimes the man will try to encourage the woman to only sleep with other women.

Men consume more pornography and may help men to explore sexual variety without cheating. Although, young people who observe a lot of pornography may be wiring their brains to be more inclined to observe sexual acts than to be engaged in them.

Mate Value Self Evaluation, Anxiety About the Truth

People want to feel attractive and attracted. They also want stability/security.

People are usually pretty good at self-assessing their value. Self-esteem has been hypothesized to be a measure of this value. However, value can be incredibly subjective to what the other sex decides is important to them. For example, conversational ability in hobbies or topics.

The qualities are also context specific. You want somebody confident but not too confident, generous but more generous towards them rather than homeless people. People tend to have a good intuitive sense rather than trying to evaluate everything based on objective metrics.

A lot of men are too afraid of being shut down and won’t even approach.

Self-Deception

Successful deception is facilitated by self-deception. Animals will often believe that if someone is confident it is likely they will be competent.

This is demonstrated in job applications. Some may not have the greatest cv but their confidence is appealing.

The Future of Evolutionary Psychology & Neuroscience

They seem to be merging of late. Looking at the evolved function (mechanisms driving the process), ultimate explanations for the functions, and then the neuroscience (machinery) of why.

Books: When Men Behave Badly; The Evolution of Desire, Textbooks